Monday, February 11, 2013

A moment of emotions 3.5 weeks later

Things have been kind of stagnant. Been seeing friends, working out (not back to my normal routine yet, but definitely getting back there), and cooking/baking. Watching the Bachelor, of course. Lots of recipes coming (turkey/quinoa meatloaf, chocolate banana "ice cream" smoothie, and more).

Before I post my normal happy, fun and boring pictures....
I have been wanting to write for about a week and just am not sure what to post. I have about 6 drafts (half are recipes half are miscarriage related). But I haven't brought myself to sit down and write them yet (beyond notes and the general subject). I'm someone who is very in touch with my emotions, but I've definitely been in "ignore emotions" mode for about a week.

I use this blog to write, stories about my friends, my hubby, education... I love to post recipes (and honestly sometimes I have to reference my own blog for a recipe! Ha!). I like to add humor etc. Tonight I just don't feel good. I have been very strong with the entire miscarriage, and it's weird to admit this, but I actually haven't cried since the d&c. Tonight I just feel like I want to sob but I feel kind of numb. I had a great day too, which is weird that I feel this way now. I know things always work out, but right now, it's just...blah. I try not to think too hard about getting pregnant again, but I can't help it. I want to, right away. Good thing Charlie is deployed, because I'm sure my body could use more healing, and I'm sure emotionally this is better. I let myself think that ("I want to get pregnant right away"), and then I worry - what if I don't get pregnant right away? I got pregnant after 2 months. The first month i was convinced I was infertile. What if it takes a long time this time? Can I handle month after month of negative pregnancy tests? Then, what if I do get pregnant? What if the same thing happens? How do I deal with that then? If I have two miscarriages in a row...UGH, cannot process.

I am not the person that can just "let things happen", like all those people that stopped birth control but weren't "trying" and then it happened. Never was never will be.

That's what I'm feeling, right now, this very moment. I'm sure in an hour, or by morning, or by the weekend, or next week, I'll be fine. And then not fine, and then fine again. And I know it's expected with the loss we went through, which is why I'm so glad I have this venue to write.


Okay, I can't have a post without pictures at all, so here are the three cutest bubbas ever. Fun stories ahead!

1 comment:

  1. My heart goes out to you...I too suffered a miscarriage. I always hoped my Emily would have a sister, so after having Emily and her two brothers, I became pregnant...11 weeks later, it was not meant to be. I knew that the door to my fertility was closing, as I was almost 40 years old. My heart ached for my loss...and for the door that seemed to slam shut in my face. I was never able to give my Emily a sister, but life has delivered her a wonderful sister in you! With Warmth and Love, Vickie